One of my Greatest Fears
Hey friends,
Have you ever been in a situation where, to confront the circumstance, you sweat like the river Nile or get red like a tomato?
It might be you standing outside your principal or boss’s cabin, or when you are about to talk with your ex, or when you enter the exam without studying, or even when you’re gonna go out on a date for the first time for that matter! It can be anything that puts us in a state of affairs where we are obliged to fight our fear and our dismay.
It’s the school for me.
Yes, it is as uncanny as it sounds and as eerie as it seems to you, but that’s the truth I will be talking about today.
Memories
They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but memories are priceless. Memories never fade away, but moments do.
It’s like the birthmark that you’ve on your skin that remains the way it is till you die. It’s the chapter of your life that you might or might not wanna visit in the book of your life, but it stays, it stays for what it is, it stays for what it meant, and it stays as it is.
The school has been a trauma for many, yet fun for most. No matter how and what it was, it made me the person I am and it taught me a lot.
We all carry a piece of it as we grow.
School’s the fundamental stage in our early life, which has a profound impact on our formative years. It is significant to all of us in many ways.
For some, the school was just like any other educational institute and they were obliged to go.
For some, the school was a place where they explored friendships, they got curious about ideas, they were fascinated by subjects, it was a place where they enjoyed the most.
For some, the school was a source of stress and pressure to perform academically, socially, or in extracurricular activities.
But for me, it meant everything.
The school was a place that made me anxious about a lot of things, yet made me feel super optimistic about so many things. There were instances when it made me want to hate it till the boundaries, but it did have those boundaries existing because I loved it as well. At times, all I wanted to do was to go to school and be amused by, yet at times, I preferred staying in the bed pretending to be sick.
“It’s not that problem that I was so fulfilled after solving in front of the class on board which makes me contented to date but of course that drawing of the teacher which I made on board for the class to laugh.”
There are moments when I laugh silently remembering how the vice principal and I together saw that footage of mine from the CCTV of me spanking one of my friends.
And I still remember that moment of me confessing to my crush that I loved her.
I had one of my teachers talking about how they’ll remember us in the future. So there was this time when I had consecutively topped the class in math and I was bragging about it in the class while the teacher was expressing her concern about students who didn’t do well. She shouted at me, “It’s not your marks on which I’ll remember you, it’s not your score which will then help me describe you, but it’s your behavior. It’s your doings and your acts that make you, and that’s how I will remember you in the future.” Which struck me at that moment, and has stayed with me now and will stay forever.
The point is, we all would hardly remember our scores, our answers, and our mark sheets, but we will always remember those little mischievous activities we did, those little kindnesses we tried to show.
And hence, all that matters at the end of the day are the memories that we made and that have stayed along with us.
These memories are precious for us to recollect the time that passed by in the future, yet they’re equally dangerous.
Memories lead me to overthink about what I lacked, it led me to overthink what could have changed, what could things could have been, and how things should be now.
Remember me starting this article by confronting the fear of stepping inside the school lately? That’s where it connects. I’ll talk about this further in the article.
Irony
You might have heard about this irony from every other person talking on this topic. It’s the contradiction of the situation when we walk into the school for the first time when everything is new to us which is equally exciting as well as terrifying to explore something out of our comfort zone.
We aren't used to a completely new world in front of us. The fear of walking in outweighs the joy of exploring which makes you cry your eyes out to get back home.
Snap! 13 years pass by.
Now we’re in the final year of our school and don’t want to leave at all, even at the cost of our home.
It’s funny but it’s true.
Hardly do we actually value each moment until we know that it’s not forever that we’re going to experience this joy.
And when I say joy, it’s just not the joy of happiness we carry within ourselves while being present in school. But it’s every single emotion that we go through that makes it all — the anger when the teacher scolds us and when she divided groups which she found to be disturbing the class, the irritation of the restrictions within the school that existed, the wrath of assignment, and the outrage of exams. How can I not mention the arguments with our friends and those small little fights, which at that time, we thought, outmatched the world wars in history?
Every single memory makes it all up for the joy we experience in school, and that’s the joy. The joy is the school; as simple as it can be!
And the more joyful the moments were, the more cheerful the times were, harder it gets to get over it.
I’m always scared of the idea that
Though you can’t go back to those moments, you can always go back to those memories
As I talked about earlier in this read that it’s equally painful to go back as it is fun, it’s ironic.
Because you’re utterly mindful of the fact that things have changed. Knowing that the memories of school life are made up of the people, more than the place or the things (sure even they matter, but even being on those grounds you imagine the people), they haunt you in a way. The reflection of those people occurs in your mind. They might as well come in your dreams, and then you wake up the next morning thinking that it’s the life that you’re gonna live but holy cow! You’re in the future, that’s indeed your present.
Perhaps, it’s just me who has these circumstances.
Perhaps, the past has left me but I couldn’t leave the past as it makes me the person I am and I see my reflection in it; you don’t wanna lose yourself, do you?
My fear
It’s January 16, 2023, more than 8 months since I passed out of school and it feels surreal to go back in.
I was invited as a volunteer to help organize one of the sports events.
Though I was super excited to go back, I knew for a fact that I’m gonna carry a weight of memories which is gonna lead to me having goosebumps, and guess what? The same happened.
In fact, I got super red as I walked along in the school. I’ll show you one of the pictures that I clicked.
Not sure if the picture could justify the intensity of the reality, but yeah.
Every time I walk in, I see my friends that no one can see.
I see us playing, I see us cracking jokes, I see us bunking the classes, I see us everywhere. And I am lost in the profound imagination that I fail to embrace reality which is one of the greatest traumas I’ve ever had.
Walking through those corridors outside the classroom where teachers used to make me and my fellow friends stand for us being the super mischievous kids, I was in awe. We’ve been more in the cabin of our vice principal than in our classes, hence at times we had our plan ready that we’d directly go towards the vice principal’s cabin to complete our homework than in the class to hear the same shout post lunch.
Watching our juniors play different sports that we played once made me overwhelmed with the reflections that I could see.
I could see myself in that fat guy accompanied by three-four other boys who giggled while walking down the hill.
There at the corner were a few girls who were present there when I entered and were at the same place when I was ready to leave; I saw my fellow classmates’ ‘girl gossiping group’ in them.
I did see all those teachers teaching, but I saw my class being taught inside all those children who were present. The kid who was trying to hit the other person with an eraser, and one of the kids making a paper airplane with something written in it just to fly that out of the classroom and look super cool, a few girls with their heads down as they got bored and were sleepy, and that one random girl who was constantly blabbering with her hand typical hand movement. The kid that wore his spectacles upside down literally got me, haha. And then of course those intellectual students who were answering.
This is the very reason I fear, I fear embracing reality.
Every time there’s some opportunity to return to school, I feel that I’ll find my friends again. I’ll find my bullies, I’ll find my crush, I’ll find all those people involved in making the best time that I had in my life possible.
The time that never comes back
I think, it has become clichéd, but it holds true eternally.
Time never comes back
The fact that it never lasts makes it valuable makes it precious.
It wouldn’t have been for me to value each day, each minute in the school, and each interaction I participated in if it wasn’t for the realization of the fact that there’s an end to school life.
I took my last year seriously in terms of being active because I knew it wasn’t gonna come back ever, and hence I didn’t leave a moment to perhaps even embarrass myself- because that's something that’ll stay with me, maybe everyone.
And I don’t regret it one bit.
It is scary that with time, people change. We as classmates have outgrown each other, we’ve left so many, many have moved on in life, but many have stayed along.
I think the fact that it hurts me as much gives me contentment is the contradiction of my present with the past. My identity lies within those people, and within that environment.
Only if I can get that back, it’ll be left as a memory that I’ll treasure forever than regretting for it to be passed.
As I’m writing this article, I know I’ll return to this. Maybe, I’d be a little more mature, and I’ll discern the change. I don’t regret these flaws, because they make me, me.
And for anyone reading who all are in school, man, I’ve got a lot to say. But just so that you know in short- the philosophy that my friends and I abided by
“Rules are meant to be broken”
Marks, discipline, scolding from everyone — you’re way greater than this. Get suspended, and get punished, but at the end of the day enjoy. Yes, you gotta keep up with your studies, but remember to enjoy as much as you’re involved in your studies. Participate in class, and embarrass yourself, no one cares!
But of course, I owe all my teachers a lot, and I genuinely wanna thank y’all. Can’t be more grateful:)
Also if you’re someone from my class, I miss you, and you’re an important part of my chapter from the book I refer to as LIFE.
That was from me, signing out.
Kabir Khanuja.
(Your CR lol)
Think about it…
Thank you friends for reading this article, I’m glad hoping that I’ve given some value addition to your life and you can relate to this. Have a great day, and cherish every moment, until next time, peace!
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